Love Basicly Sucks
by Freack
Summary: The story of how Remus meets and falls in love with Sirius Black.
1. Chapter 1

Love Basically Sucks

Remus sighed, and slammed his textbook shut. It was useless, he just couldn't concentrate. Maybe if he didn't have a certain someone on his mind, but that was just wishful thinking. He did have a certain someone on his mind, and that was the end of the story.

v v v v v v v v v v v

Sirius sighed, and stared at the fire. He was getting worried about Remus, he had always been a bookworm, and studied a lot, but recently, he barely ever left the library. James obviously wasn't worried, because Sirius had a bruise on his head from when James had thrown a book at him. Supposedly, he had snapped after hearing, "Where's Remus?" for the millionth time.

v v v v v v v v v v v

As he walked back to the common room, Remus was lost in thought. Therefore, he did not notice the auburn-haired individual he was sharing the hallway with, until he walked right into her.

"Oh my God! Lily, I'm so sorry," Remus apologized profusely. Both of their books had fallen all over the hall, and their papers were strewn pell-mell. He bent down to pick up everything, and Lily did the same.

"It's not your fault, I should have been watching where I was going," said Lily. She also leaned down to pick up their various belongings. It was silent for a few minutes, except for the sorting of papers. Eventually Remus had everything he needed, except for his potions textbook. He looked around, and saw it, in Lily's hands.

His heart stopped. He had doodled without abandon in that book, and all Lily had to do to read his entire heart like a book was open the front cover.

He started to say, "That's mine," but never got farther than the the "th" before Lily let the book fall open in her hands. She looked down and her eyes grew wide.

"Remus," she said slowly, "I only know one person with the initials SB, and there's only one reason why some one would write RL+SB in a heart." She looked at Remus, her eyes conveying an emotion somewhere between pity, anger, and hilarity. "I never would have guessed."

Remus couldn't move. What could he have done? Grabbed the book back? Deny the truth? He may as well have danced the "Funky Chicken" for all the good any of those things would have done him. So he just stood there, and stared into space, like the idiot he felt like.

"Um... Remus? Are you OK?" Remus snapped to attention. "You've been staring into space for like an entire minute. Are you OK?" Remus shook his head, he was most definitely not OK, bloody insane was more like it. "Hmm...well...that's interesting," Lily mused.

Suddenly, Lily was all business, "Remus John Lupin, do you love Sirius Black?" there was no point in denying it anymore, but he still didn't feel comfortable saying it, so instead he nodded meekly. "And, have you told him yet?" Remus could feel his eyebrows fly up. "You're right, that's a dumb question." Lily looked thoughtful, and asked, "Are you sure it's love?" Remus had to fight back a chuckle, was he sure it was love. He remembered back to when he had asked himself the exact same question.


	2. Chapter 2

Love at First Sight.

You Know, of the Friendly Sort.

Remus could remember the first time he met Sirius. It wasn't exactly love at first sight, but they certainly have hit it off as friends.

Remus was, and always had been small and scrawny. It was just something he _was. _Call it genetics. Call it luck, Remus was always just small. Growing up, he had been made fun of, and he had been too weak to fight anybody off. Then, when he was eight, had had become a werewolf. This had not helped. He always looked malnourished, and thin, and now he had scars all over his body. He could have fought off the school bullies now, but instead he was pulled out of school, and spent most of his time in his room, with the shades pulled, so he had that pale glow that was usually found on basemented computer nerds. But Remus wasn't a computer nerd, he was a werewolf, and he was dangerous.

The first time Remus saw Sirius, he was standing on Platform 9 ¾, and he was looking smaller than ever, clothed as he was in secondhand robes, patched, and about two years to big, so he could grow into them. Add in the cracked trunk, being dragged along, due to a broken wheel, and Remus could have easily passed for a hobo, but he wasn't a hobo, he was a werewolf. But, even so, Remus was happier than he could ever remember being. Remus could have been floating on air. And then he saw him, he didn't know his name yet, but he stood out like a familiar face. He was smiling, and laughing, with an almost obscene amount of grace. Remus could pick out the boy's family, whom he seemed to be standing a little bit aways from. The woman was beautiful, but it was a cruel beauty, rather than inviting, the way the boy was. There was no father present, but there was a boy, who was obviously the older's younger brother. He was clinging to his mother's cloak, and seemed to be saying something along the line of, "Why can't I go?" The boy's cloak was new, and the trunk was dragon leather. But these were just things that Remus noticed in passing, because what caught his attention was they boys face.

He reminded Remus of the vampires in the books he had read while cooped up in his room. His eyes were grey, and they were bright, so they flashed across the platform. His features were perfectly formed. Remus caught himself comparing his visage to that of an angel. Though the boy still had the cherubic charms of childhood, you could tell that he would grow up well. Remus decided then that he would get to know this boy better.

Remus was pulled from his musings by his mother's firm hand on his shoulder's. She led him to a carriage, her grip iron on his arm, as if afraid he would bolt, or disintegrate if she let her grip loosen at all.

Remus got on. He pulled the trunk up himself. Though he was small, Remus was still part wolf, and was strong. Save the oldest, and the Quidditch players, Remus was quite probably the strongest person in Hogwarts. It was one of the few plusses to his "condition."

After waving good-bye to his mother, Remus started looking for a seat. His goal, of course was to find a seat near the raven-haired boy, though, Remus couldn't imagine what he would say to him if he was found. Probably just stutter like he usually did, but Remus cast the thought from his mind. "Think positive. This is a new beginning."

As luck would have it, Remus found the boy almost immediately, and his compartment was nearly empty, having just the boy, and an other black-haired individual. This boy's hair was messy, falling everywhere on his head, and he wore rounded glasses. The two were talking animately, with lots of hand waving and laughter. Remus was momentarily distracted by the angel-boy's grace of movement.

"Oi, take a seat or take a hike." It was was boy. Remus shook his head.

"Right, sorry, got distracted." Remus took his truck, and swung it into one of the overhead compartments in one flowing movement, and sat down with as much grace as he could muster, which was still more than the average person under the same pressure.

Remus looked around in the compartment. The other two had given him a funny look, with a touch of admiration. Remus figured they had expected him to "take a hike."

"So, erm, what's your name?" Remus introduced himself. He learned that the boy he had seen on the platform was Sirius, and the other boy was James. Then the other two got back to their earlier conversation, which, it turns out, had been about Quidditch. They passed the hours amiably, being disturbed only by the addition of a small watery-eyed individual, who introduced himself as Peter. The second interruption came in the form of a greasy-haired boy called Severus, and a pretty red-head named Lily. Sirius told Severus off, and though, Remus felt bad for the sallow youth, he couldn't help but admire the sureness with which Sirius told him off.

v v v v v v v v v v v

When everyone made it to the school, and got in the castle, Remus' stomach was in knots. He had been nervous since he got his letter, but now the feeling had gone past that, nearly into pain. He had read up on the histories of all four houses, and he felt that he belonged... nowhere. The only place he could see himself was Slytherin, but that was only because of it's horrible reputation, and that the only place he could see a monster. As he waited in line with the other's he paid attention to the sorting of the other's. Black sat at the stool for nearly an entire minute, before the hat placed him in Gryffindor. Lily was also in Gryffindor, then, suddenly it seemed, he was walking up himself, with wobbly knees.

The hat slipped over his head, and he heard a voice in his ear. His heart leaped into his throat, he hadn't expected that. The voice was raspy, and said, "So, you think you belong in Slytherin?" Remus thought yes, and the voice came back, "Wrong, you are not Slytherin material at all. No, I'll need to find a better place for you. Hmm, a good mind, already full of knowledge, but.. no, not Ravenclaw. Well, better be GRYFFINDOR. "

Remus was shocked. He actually stayed sitting for a moment before he got up. He had always thought of himself as a monster, and never brave. But, the sorting hat was never wrong. And this would mean he got to talk to Sirius. He was so lost in his thoughts, he barley paid attention to the rest of the sorting, but he saw James and Peter join Remus and Black at the Gryffindor table. He also noticed Severus Snape being sorted into Slytherin, and he didn't seem all that happy about it. But, hadn't he talked about _wanting_ to be a Slytherin on the train. Remus figured it must have something to do with Lily, who James was currently staring at as if he had never seen a girl before.

v v v v v v v v v v v

After the feast was done, the four Gryffindor boys headed up to their dormitories. James got the bed nearest the door, then, in the line was Peter, Remus, and Sirius. Remus approved of this arrangement whole-heartedly.


	3. Chapter 3

The First (And Second) Secret Discovered

But the Third Stays Safely Hidden

For two whole years, Remus hid his greatest secret, which was, of course, his werewolf-ism. He of course only succeeded in this via extreme help from Dumbledore. Once a month, he told his dorm mates that his mother was dreadfully ill, and he had to visit her. He could tell they didn't believe him, but they never asked questions. And, as for all the scratches he had on his chest after these visits, well, Remus could be clumsy, which was a lie. Remus, had the grace and poise of a ballerina, with girly hands and arms to match.

One day, in his second year, after he had come back from the hospital wing, Sirius jumped out from behind a curtain. Remus had known he was there, and hadn't been worried, Sirius had been known to jump out suddenly from behind curtains quite often, mostly because it amused him. But, the moment Remus got a glimpse of his face, he knew something was wrong. Sirius had a look on his face that meant business. And Sirius was never serious, unless, he had a good reason, which was usually a prank. While this was all flashing through Remus' mind, he saw James and Peter come out of the wings _with a chair. _ Remus could easily have run away, the wolf was still strong in his blood, but he was frozen. So he just stood. And stared at Sirius. He let James and Peter tie him to a chair, and Sirius turn down the lights, except for a spot light right above Remus' head.

Sirius turned to Remus, with a look on his face that could have killed half the population of Russia. He could do that when he wanted to. "So you know, we know your secret, so you can just make this easier for you and answer all of our questions honestly." Remus shook his head, though it felt as if the room was spinning. The same thought kept running through his head again and again, "They know, they know, they know,"

"So, _what are you?_" Sirius stared right into Remus' eyes as he said that, and Remus, hypnotized, found he couldn't look away. But he also couldn't talk. "_Well?" _shouted Sirius.

"Imawrwlf." This was all Remus could get out.

"What did you say?"

"I'm a werewolf." Quiet, barely audible.

"Say it louder."

Remus snapped. "I'M A WEREWOLF!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? I'M A MONSTER, AND A TERRIBLE PERSON, AND I SHOULD JUST GO HOME AND LEAVE ALL OF YOU INNOCENTS ALONE!!!" Remus, broke down crying, he just couldn't take the pressure. He kept yelling, but he could barely hear the words anymore. He was afraid. What if they told other students, what if he had to go home? He didn't want to go, Hogwarts had been his home, and he would never feel right anywhere else. He had made friends, and now he could see it all crumbling around his head. His shoulders shook with sobs. He was so lost in his own world of despair, that he didn't even notice that the ropes binding him were off until he felt a pair of strong arms around his torso.

"You ponce." The voice was Sirius'. "We could never hate you. We just wanted to know the truth. You know how I hate being lied to." Remus nodded. "So, tell us the truth." And Remus did, he told them the story of how he had been bitten, and how he went to the Shrieking Shack, and the tale of the Womping Willow. When he had finished, Sirius asked, "Do you have anything else to tell us?"

Remus gulped, they had accepted him so far, but was this going just one step too far?

"Well," he whispered, "I'm gay."

Remus could hear Peter take a step back, and James gasp. They kept silent, and the gestures would have been unnoticeable if he hadn't had the almost super sonic hearing all of his kind were endowed with. But the one person whose opinion he cared about seemed almost, disappointed?

"Sirius," he said, "What's that look for?"

"Well," started Sirius, "I'm sort of disappointed." Remus' heart stopped. This was what he had feared, more than just about anything in the world. But, Sirius continued, "I was expecting something more... you know, exciting, or... unexpected."

Remus stared at Sirius, was he really hearing this?

"You know, I mean, I sort of figured that out. I mean, you're probably the only guy I know who read Pride and Prejudice. And you have the girliest hands I've ever seen, even on actual girls. And you give of that aura. Jeez, James, Pete, how could you be surprised?" He looked up at the two in question. Then he looked back at Remus, and placed his hands on his shoulders, and looked right in his eyes, "We'll always love you, no matter what. You never have to worry about that, _ever. _Understand"

Remus' eyes were full of tears again, and he nodded. After a quick group hug, (James and Peter and been equally moved by Sirius' words.) they all went down to the common room to enjoy the fire.

After that day, the Marauder's were officially formed. The four boys were rarely seen apart after that. But this day marked another special occasion.

Remus started, on this day, to understand the complex intricacies of love, and just exactly who it was he loved more than anyone else.


	4. Chapter 4

Yeah, It's Love

I'm Pretty Sure

Remus discovered he was gay after much meditation, and _Quidditch Players' Weekly. _He hadn't thought it was strange, his parents were definitely the liberal sorts, but he had been concerned that perhaps being gay _and a werewolf, _just might be a teeny bit overboard. But after the incident in his second year, he wasn't so much worried now as he was self-conscious. The Marauders never acted any different towards him, but sometimes Remus could imagine that James and Peter sat just a little bit farther away than normal. Only Sirius seemed unchanged, and kept telling stupid jokes and using his name as a pun like usual.

When Remus first met Sirius, he had been overtaken by just how beautiful he was. After, Remus hadn't thought much of it, and simply attributed to the fact that, yes, Sirius was beautiful, a fact Hogwarts' girls had been keen to notice. Remus did keep true to his promise to get to know Sirius better. Sirius was usually nice, if a bit snooty at times. He hated his family, but was still protective of his younger brother, Regulus, whom he called Reggie. He was a bright kid, and could have aced his classes, but never applied himself, and so scraped by. One of the things about Sirius that never did and probably never would change, was his grace. He could trip down a flight of stairs and make it look like a dance move. Which he did often, just for laughs. He stayed pretty, and rather than aging, just got better looking.

Remus noticed these things about Sirius, and a million other details, from his perfect hair flip, to the exact curve of his wrist. Remus never did think that there was anything strange about noticing these things, and figured that other guys would probably notice these things in the girls around them that they are friends with.

It wasn't until the summer between third and fourth year that Remus started to think that maybe, just maybe, his feeling for Sirius went deeper than just friendship.

v v v v v v v v v v v

Remus always hated having to go home for the holidays. His father worked almost constantly, and his mother acted like he was a bomb waiting to go off, or that he was going to be blown away by gust of wind any second. He missed everything about Hogwarts, from the food, to the ghosts, to his four poster bed. And, mostly, he missed his friends, the Marauders.

He missed James and the way he just wouldn't leave Lily alone, and the pain he put himself through because of it. He missed Peter and the way he would follow the other three around, especially James, like shadows.

But, most of all, he missed Sirius. He missed the way they would bicker. He missed being referred to as _mother_ when he told Sirius to go to bed. He missed being jumped at from behind things. He missed the big furry, hairball, everything about him. He found himself wondering what Sirius would think about nearly everything he did. The first thought every morning was, "I wonder what Sirius is doing now?" And he wished him Sweet Dreams every night. Remus still refused to think he liked Sirius as anything more than a friend. He tried to tell himself that he was simply more worried about Sirius than he was the others, because James and Peter both had perfectly good home lives. But, as the summer went by, and he found his thoughts more and more cluttered by visions of a raven-haired prince, he finally asked the lady at the local ice cream place, "What's love?"

This lady, whose name was Sharon, was a perky Muggle teen, who was trying to earn money to go to college, and who treated Remus as something of a little brother. "Well, love varies depending on who you are. Usually though, it involves wanting to be the cause of a specific person's happiness. And every time they smile, you do yourself. You think of them constantly, and these thoughts make you feel all fuzzy inside happy, and also give you a horrible elephants-not-butterflies feeling in your gut." She spoke surely, as if from experience, and she had a reminiscent gleam in her eyes.

Remus looked at his triple chocolate sundae with chocolate fudge topping and chocolate sprinkles. He certainly wanted Sirius to be happy, and his good moods were infectious. He could remember the pangs of jealousy when Sirius laughed at other people's jokes, and he almost never approved of his multiple girlfriends. He thought about Sirius. He definitely felt happy, but, yes there was pain there too, sharp at times, but usually a constant dull ache.

"You got a girl on your mind?" Shanon asked, wiping down the counter.

Remus didn't like lying, and he was very bad at it, so he told the truth. "Well, it's not exactly a girl..."

Shanon laughed and shook her head, "Ha, I should have guessed. Poor Remie, my little poofter." Remus glared, and Shanon apologized, "I'm just messing with you, so, is he from that boarding school up north?" Remus nodded. "Tell me about him."

Remus found that Shanon was very easy to talk to, and talking about his feelings help reduce the drowning feeling he had. He told her about how he was funny, and graceful. He talked about how Sirius made him happy by just being in the same room. Even though Remus could only talk minimally about how serious Sirius was about pranking, as most of it had to do with magic, he could still tell the story about how he had bribed the cooks (house elves) into sending up plates of nothing but freshly ground pepper.

But he also talked about how Sirius made him so angry, that he could just scream, and then make him forget all about it. About how Remus had failed at least one test because Sirius would simply not let him study. And all while Remus blathered on, Shanon just sat, and listened, and occasionally asked questions, late into the night, until Remus' mother showed up, and Shanon convinced her that Remus had indeed been with her for the past few hours.

Before he left, Shanon pulled Remus away, and told him, "This Sirius guy, he would be lucky to have you. Just, be careful, and I wish you the best of luck."

That night, as Remus lay in his bed, thinking, he decided it made sense. He was in love with Sirius. It didn't quite shock him, but he hadn't been expecting it either. He then decided that if he weren't gay, he would have a major crush on Shanon, and then he fell into pleasant dreams.

It wasn't until the next day that he started to worry about his revelation. Yes, he loved Sirius, but Sirius... was a player. And he liked girls. What had seemed like a minor pothole last dusk, now seemed like a road block. And, what if Sirius did like him back? Sirius had a strict "love-'em-and-leave-'em" policy, and Remus didn't think he could live with that.

But, he had only a week left until he went back to Hogwarts, and so he kept busy reading his course books, trying to dispel the tight, squeamish feeling in his stomach. Punctuated regularly by chocolate ice cream.


	5. Chapter 5

OW

Love Hurts

As the day of September 1st slowly approached, Remus could think of little else but Sirius. Remus wondered what he would say, and if his new-found emotions would effect their friendship at all. Shanon constantly told him to just relax and be himself, but Remus had always had a difficult time with self-esteem. So he constantly was doubting whether anyone could or would be impressed by _himself, _ the scrawny, gay, bookworm, werewolf, in love with the Gryffindor Sex God. It was a difficult life.

v v v v v v v v v v v

Remus was on his way to Platform 9 ¾, and he felt as if his heart were about to explode. _Deep breaths, _ he reminded himself, for about the millionth time. He was never going to make a good impression if he had a heart attack. _A right damsel in distress I am. _

Remus was dragging his trunk, and then... it happened. Sirius stuck out just as he had that first day all those years ago. But there was something different.

Every symptom of love that Remus had ever read in a cheesy romance novel happened to him simultaneously in this moment. He felt as if he had been kicked in the stomach, but that was impossible, because he was obviously nothing more than a puddle on the floor. He felt like he was about to die, yet he seemed to be floating on air. His palms were sweaty, his head was cold. He was falling apart at the seams, yet he had never felt more whole. A million other things which were absolute opposites suddenly made sense. The feeling was so strange and alien, Remus simply stood and enjoyed the sensation.

Sirius eventually noticed Remus and waved. Remus raised his had shyly. It took all of his concentration to keep his atoms together. Sirius ran up, and threw himself at Remus, in a _strictly friendly_ hug. This threw Remus for a loop for a second. He had meant to try to keep his feelings a secret, but the arms around him felt like home, in every way imaginable. So he hugged back. He let go sooner than he would have liked, but he in no way wanted to give Sirius any reason to suspect that Remus liked him an other-than-brotherly way.

Sirius let go, grabbed his arm and pulled him towards the train, already blathering about his vacation and how much he hated his family, and how excited he was to be back. Remus let himself be dragged, soaking in the glow of the god-like presence beside him. They got to the train, and found the compartment with the other two Marauders, both of whom were very quick to catch up on the past two months. Remus tried his best to pay attention, but was constantly distracted. Was it Remus' imagination, or had Sirius gotten better looking over the summer? He figured it was just his imagination. It was the only thing possible.

Later, at the feast, and continuing back to the room, Remus spent most of his time alternately trying to ignore and hanging on Sirius' every word.

And it continued this way, Remus loving Sirius with every particle of being, yet trying to keep it a secret.


End file.
